Dangerous Expectations

Conventional wisdom says to dump expectations, but that leads to more frustration. Rather than drop expectations, take turns voicing them to create closeness and fulfillment.

So, what are your expectations? Laura and I voice our expectations daily. Usually the night before we ask, "What's going on tomorrow?" If one of us wants to be together we say so. If we are extremely busy we communicate it. "Hon, I have a busy day tomorrow, so I won't have time to hang out." If we have a need we say it. "I'd like to be with you this week, let's meet for lunch." Then we plan it out. "How about Thursday downtown for salad? If we have a night together we voice the expectations. "Want to watch a movie? What time you want to start?"

One night we were going to watch a movie. I set up the DVD and waited. She was on the computer waiting for my signal while I waited for her. After 45 minutes of waiting I got upset. We learned how miscues can ruin a night and now we communicate. "How 'bout we start the movie at eight?"

It is important to voice needs and not wish honey would just get it. We cannot read minds. With different aspects of your marriage, think of your expectations and voice them in a loving way. Here are a few areas to peruse.

Finances. Still the number one cause of marital mishap. Discuss your expectations concerning spending, saving, credit cards, etc. and devise a plan. If you want to buy something, make it known. We check with each other on almost everything, just to be polite. We're not crazy with it, if she wants a blouse, she buys it. But if we're talking toaster ovens, we talk it over.

She wants a new bathroom; he a new workshop. With big items discuss needs verses wants along with short, medium, and long term goals. Make out a plan. And be flexible. Talk about your druthers concerning televisions, cars, or other expensive purchases. If he wants a big screen but she wants a new fridge, a plan needs to be drawn up.

Sex. Expectations differ because men and women differ. You might fear talking or hearing truth, but sex talk boosts love making. Most couples' sex life plateaus within a few years of marriage, but it need not be so. Talking sex keeps things spicy and interesting. Talk about sex as you would anything else. Be detailed, clear, and caring.

Men and women send out different sex cues. In fact, men are poor cue senders, it is better to just say, "Hon, I want to make love soon," than to try and send fancy cues.

Talking out expectations is good, but ladies, notice that your man would rather do than talk. So find his talk threshold. Allow him to tell you when he's maxed out and then go do something together. Rather than talk about emotional distance, make love.

How about children, chores, education, careers, in-laws, or holidays? Share expectations on these topics, but give it time, you cannot tackle it all in one sitting. Do not unload a lifetime of pent up fulfillment.

When you share expectations daily, you begin a routine, cover a great amount of territory and smooth your marriage landscape. Sharing expectations puts your life on the table and creates partnership. Agree on a topic and pick a quiet safe place to talk where you will not be distracted. If you get ruffled due to disagreement, stop and go for a walk or get some ice-cream. Try again later - you will get the hang of it. Soon you will be sharing and fulfilling expectations. It can make for smooth sailing - expect it.